Looking Back

Yesterday an angel said that she had been re-khatam again my blog, i mean reading back the old posts. I asked her why, she said just for fun, and the feeling is unique and different. She suggested the entry on 1.01.11 for me to read again. Of course I didn't remember the content. So the first thing I do when I'm back to my room- open my blog and search that entry. Then here's the entry.

...Damn. Then I continue reading the next entry, next, next, next till March dated one. The conclusion I got- no wonder la my eldest brother said before that based from my blog I was very jiwa kacau awal tahun ni. Aiya~~gua pun pelik o. macamana boleh tulis itu semua entry lo? Gila sungguh time tu.

Memang betul lah, you'll laugh back when you read what you have written in the past.

Anyway, I am free from most of the jiwa kacau things now=)

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Entah kenapa, makin lama aku makin malas untuk tulis artikel bincang benda serius. Not in the mood kot. Eh nanti, seriuskah artikel2 sebelum ni? Fork, syiok sendiri ada la. Haahahhaha!

Anyway, this is useless no point entry. Just feel like typing, not clicking the mouse, so here I am writing this crap. Maybe because, I still have the yesterday's happy happy happy day mungkin. Ah, so happy!

To end it, let's layan this cute jiwang song by my favourite Japanese band- Judy and Mary.

Scarred

Yesterday I just finished reading one shocking-brutal-sad-nokharom book entitled Scarred. Scarred yang bermakna Parut/ Terkesan selamanya/ Never healed wound/ whatever it is.

Buku ini, aku beli sewaktu event Big Bad Wolf pada satu masa dulu. Actually I am a person who is more interested in reading true story events rather than fictional stories. So, as I browsed through the biography book I saw this plain but soft cover of a book.

So, what's the big deal with this book?

It's the story life of a young fragile girl named Sophie Andrews who was constantly abused (sexually) by her father and her struggle to regain normal life through treatment at psychiatric hospital. Lastly, the challenges that await her when she was finally released to the outer world.

Honestly, buku ini sangat menyedarkan diri ini akan betapa gilanya human can be. Seorang ayah (ayah angkat) sanggup membesarkan anak dengan penuh kasih sayang (makanan, coklat, hadiah, game, toys, dresses) tetapi bila makin besar ayah tu sanggup cabul dan pergunakan dia untuk seks. Before, I used to get mad and labelled at all those emo group yang suka toreh tangan tu sebagai bodoh, tapi not anymore. In this book, Sophie had numerous times keep repeating on cutting and bleeding herself just to let the pressure and mind problems flow away.

Seriously, how could you feel better and less pressure by cutting and bleeding your legs, arms and stomach? Tak lojik kan? Tapi itulah kenyataannya.

Buku ini juga menceritakan tentang betapa pentingnya support from the society. In Sophie's case, she was extremely lucky to have a willing social community called Samaritan to listen to her problems whenever she felt like suicide, or at least, cutting herself. Without Samaritan, this book will never be published.

Story nya panjang. Dari zaman Sophie kecil, sampai ke usia 11 tahun. Then ayah dia mula cabul/ seks dengan dia. 16 tahun kena hantar masuk wad gila, kemudian keluar masuk wad, cubaan bunuh diri, kemudian kena cabul lagi dengan ayah dia (all caused by her blind faith to her father), and lastly menghadapi dunia luar. Jujur cakap, buku ini kalau dibaca akan membuatkan dahi anda berkerut dan stressssssssss!!!

You have to read this book. I strongly recommend you to do so. Lepas baca, you'll not look at those troubled girls as the same way before.

Sebagai penutup, I present you some excerpts from the book

Within a couple of weeks I had several blisters and cuts on my body. Dad saw them and I told him I'd hurt myself. I explained that it felt like a release, when things built up inside me.

Dad was fascinated. "You like hurting yourself do you?" he asked. I was puzzled by the excitement in his voice. But then he offered to help me, and I understood. He joined in, putting a cigarette out on me and saying, "Is that nice?"

That's why I blamed myself for so much that happened next. By hurting myself I was giving him permission to hurt me too- or that's how it seemed.

He had always liked blood, it excited him. He loved it when I had my period and always wanted sex then. But now he realised that he can make blood come whenever he wanted.

The first time he penetrated me with a knife I thought I would die. The fierce, burning pain was so bad that I prayed that I passed out, but I didn't. And as blood poured out of me Dad had sex with me, doubling the pain and damage being done to me.

Crazy, right?

To every girl struggling with their life out there, this is dedicated to you,

Sekarang Ini.

Sekarang ini, aku sudah masuk selangkah ke alam baru yang tak pernah aku alami sebelum ini.

Sekarang ini, aku sudah sedikit berbeza berbanding dahulu.

Sekarang ini, aku sudah mempunyai sedikit tambahan tanggungjawab.

Jujurnya, aku juga ada rasa ragu- ragu dengan kemampuan diri ini. Can I handle this? Will it affect me, dan dia juga?

So far, I'm doing great. In fact, I'm feeling and doing better. Hopefully, it will continue as it is. Wish me luck.

The New Challenge

I have a plan. A masterplan.

However sometimes life just didn't flow according to plan. Something happened, improvisation and adaptation is needed.

Nevermind, because I like the challenge. And of course, I'm very happy with it. I love it=)

-End of story-